Pere Noel
by LaLuna
Summary: To boost his Christmas spirit, Christine gets Erik a job for the holidays ... I think we all see where this is going ...
1. O Holy Night

This is my first holiday phic. Just some light, random, seasonal humor thought up out of nowhere, especially for you. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer : Don't own any of 'em, except for one ballet girl I made up. Wahoo!  
  
Pere Noel  
  
Scene : A week before Christmas, Erik is sitting all alone in his lair, feeling depressed. (As usual.) But this time he has a legitimate reason ...  
  
Erik : *sigh* "I hate Christmas." (Just then, Christine bursts in dressed from head to toe like Mrs. Claus. She is carrying a rather large bag.)  
  
Christine : "Erik! Season's Greetings!"  
  
Erik : "Ugh ..."  
  
Christine : "Be a doll and hold this?" (Hands him the bag and begins pulling decorations out of it and hanging them up around the lair.)  
  
Erik : "Uh, Christine?" (She looks up, innocently.) "What are you doing?"  
  
Christine : "Well, what does it look like I'm doing , silly? Your house has to have the correct interior design appropriate for the season!"  
  
Erik : "Gee, uh, that's very sweet of you, Christine, but in case you didn't know, and this may come as a bit of a surprise to you : I don't like Christmas."  
  
Christine : *Tsk* "I know that. That's what all this is for! Now, your elves will be here in about five minutes, so just sit tight until then, okay?"  
  
Erik : "Elves?"  
  
Christine : "Yes, of course elves! You can hardly be convincing without elves!"  
  
Erik : (Now very confused.) "Convincing? Convincing at what? What's going on here?"  
  
Christine : "Oh, that's right!" (Hits herself on the forehead) "I forgot to tell you, didn't I?"  
  
Erik : "Either that or one of us suffers from severe short - term memory ..."  
  
Christine : "Well, as you know, Joseph Buquet is usually our resident Santa Claus here at the Opera. But since he's dead now, we figured he probably wouldn't be up to playing the role. So I volunteered you to do it instead! Isn't that great?"  
  
Erik : "You WHAT!?"  
  
Christine : (Matter-of-factly) "I figured it was only fair, seeing as how you were the one who killed him and all."  
  
Erik : "Dang, I knew that would come back to haunt me ..." (There is a knock at the door.)  
  
Christine : "I'll get it!" (Runs to open it ) "Oh, don't you three look just ADORABLE! Come in and let Erik see you!" (Christine rushes back in, grinning like a cheshire cat, followed by Raoul, Andre, and Firmin ... all dressed as elves.)  
  
Raoul : (Prancing around, the bells on his toes and hat jingling merrily) "Look at me, I'm an elf!"  
  
Andre : (To Christine.) "How much are we getting payed for this again?"  
  
Christine : "You guys aren't getting payed! This counts towards your community service hours, remember? Because of your recent brush with the law."  
  
Andre : "Oh yeah ..."  
  
Firmin : (Acknowledging Erik.) "Hey, wait just a minute here! How come he's not all dressed up like some fruity elf? I thought you said he was going to be Jolly Old St. Nick!"  
  
Raoul : "He certainly doesn't look very jolly to me."  
  
Erik : (Reaching for his Punjab lasso.) "And there's a good reason for that, too ..."  
  
Christine : "Keep your bells on, I was just getting to that!" (Hands Erik the bag.) "Erik, will you please go change into this? And make it snappy, dear, the children will be arriving soon."  
  
Erik : "Children?" (Stares blankly at her.)  
  
Christine : "Erik! When I said change I didn't mean tomorrow! Now hop to it! We don't have all day!" (Erik scampers off into the next room, still looking rather confused but not entirely willing to mess with Christine.) "Okay then, where's my Rudolph?"  
  
Firmin : "Uh, yeah, about that ... I don't know if you picked the most *ahem* appropriate person for that part. You see -" (Just then, Piangi enters, dressed as Santa Claus.)  
  
Piangi : (Very enthusiasticly) "Ho ho ho!"  
  
Christine : "Piangi!" (Stamps foot) "You were supposed to be my Rudolph!"  
  
Piangi : *hmph* "Rudolph indeed! I am not accustomed to such trivial roles! I demand to play the lead!"  
  
Raoul : "But Rudolph is the star! He saves the day by using his nose to guide Santa's sleigh through the otherwise impermeable blizzard."  
  
Piangi : "That's another thing I don't like about that character. I refuse to parade around with a stupid red ball attatched to my nose like some sort of circus clown! I mean, wearing antlers with little jingle bells on them is bad enough."  
  
Christine : (Exasperated) "But you can't be Santa Claus! We already have one!"  
  
Piangi : (Scoffs) "Who?"  
  
Christine : "Erik." (Piangi bursts out laughing.)  
  
Piangi : "W-wh-what!? ERIK!?" (More laughter) "You're joking, right? The Parisian Ebeneezer Scrooge is going to portray Father Christmas? Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh my, that's a good one!" (Wipes away tear.) "But really, if we can be serious for a moment ..."  
  
Christine : "But I am being serious. Look, I'll show you. Erik! Are you ready yet?" (Unintelligible grumbling from next room.) "Erik? Can we see how you look?"  
  
Erik : "No!"  
  
Christine : "Erik! Get out here right now! Don't make me use your middle name ..."  
  
Erik : "Alright, alright ..." (Enters dressed in a Santa suit miles too big for him, wearing little gold buckles on his boots and belt. Everyone except Christine bursts into peals of laughter.) "Grrrr ..."  
  
Christine : "My, that suit looks so ... spacious ..." (She moves towards him and begins tugging on the costume, trying to make it fit.) "Here, just let me make a few minor *mmph* adjustments ... You'll be Ho Ho Ho-ing in no time ... Maybe some pins ... and duct tape ... Are you sure you can't pull this belt any tighter?"  
  
Erik : "Sorry, that's as far as it'll go."  
  
Andre : (Finally regaining control of himself.) "Dude, don't you eat at all? Your body would make Calista Flockhart chartruese with envy."  
  
Firmin : "Seriously. Are you sure you still want him to be Santa Claus, Christine? I mean, just look at him. St. Nick is supposed to be jolly and fat and have a rosy complexion and smoking pipe."  
  
Raoul : (Studying Erik) "Well, he's definitely not fat, and we've already established that, as of now, he's not feeling particularly jolly." (Tapping Erik's mask with his finger) "Rosy isn't exactly the term I would use to describe his complexion, and he's not reeking of pipe tobacco, so I think it's safe to assume he doesn't smoke."  
  
Erik : "I used to, but I gave it up for my voice. Now I stick to good old fashioned morphine for that irreplacable burst of euphoria."  
  
Firmin : "Whoa ... Santa on hallucinogenic drugs ... "  
  
Andre : "It sounds like an episode of South Park."  
  
Raoul : "I think maybe you'd better go with Piangi on this one. At least his belly shakes like a bowl-full of jelly when he laughs." (Everyone looks to the still hysterical Piangi, who is rolling around on the floor.)  
  
Erik : (Regarding Piangi) "Wait a minute, what is this? My understudy?"  
  
Piangi : (Jumping up from the floor) "Hardly! The day I understudy YOU is the day Rob Schneider actually makes a good movie."  
  
Christine : (Explaining) "He wants to play Santa ..."  
  
Erik : (Undoing his belt) "Hey, who am I to stand in the way of raw talent?"  
  
Christine : "BUT ... He already has a job." (Takes out a red ball and sticks it on Piangi's nose) "He's going to be Rudolph ..."  
  
Piangi : *Grumble*  
  
Christine : (To Erik) "... and YOU'RE going to be Santa." (Erik pouts) "Just a few pillows here and there, a beard and maybe some rouge, and you'll be the best Father Christmas ever."  
  
Erik : "Did she say 'rouge?'" (Christine pushes Erik off into the next room to help him become more Santa-y. Just then, the Persian enters.)  
  
Raoul : "Persian-Guy! How's it hangin', dude? Merry Christmas!"  
  
Persian : "First of all, my name isn't 'Persian-Guy.' It's Nadir. Secondly, considering where we are standing right now, I don't know if I'd use the term 'hanging' so loosely. And lastly, I don't celebrate Christmas. I'm Muslim."  
  
Raoul : "I bought you a present!"  
  
Persian : "... Why?"  
  
Raoul : (Cheerfully) "It's Christmas!"  
  
Persian : "But I'm not -" (Raoul cuts him off by thrusting a festively wrapped package in his face. He sighs and opens it unenthusiastically to reveal a headband with a piece of mistletoe sticking out from the top.) "What is this?"  
  
Raoul : "It's a mistletoe headband!" (He places the item on the Persian's head.) "I noticed you seem kind of lonely, so I thought a nice, romantic Christmas tradition would help break the ice when you talk to girls."  
  
Persian : "Um, thanks."  
  
Raoul : "No problem. Look, I'll demonstrate." (He puts on the headband)  
  
Persian : (Backing away.) "No, no, that's okay, really. I think I can, uh, figure it out for myself."  
  
Raoul : "Okay then." (Takes off headband and turns to Andre and Firmin.) "I got you guys something, too!" (Hands them a square package with a red bow on top.)  
  
Firmin : "Ooh, free stuff! I'm there!" (Begins frantically tearing into the wrapping paper.)  
  
Andre : (Eagerly) "Is it money?"  
  
Firmin : (Staring at the present) "No ... It's a ... book?" (Looks confused) "Do people actually give books as gifts?"  
  
Andre : (Reading the title) "'Opera Management For Dummies ...'"  
  
Persian : (To Raoul) "Ah, touche."  
  
Firmin : "So ... what are you saying?"  
  
Persian : "Does he really have to spell it out for you?"  
  
Raoul : "After Erik dropped the chandelier on all the people and made Carlotta sing like a little froggy, I figured you guys probably needed some advice on how to handle things around here." (Opens book) "Look! It's perfect for you : 'Chapter One : How to Deal with Troublesome Ghosts'"  
  
Andre : (Scratching his head.) "Well, I'll be ..." (Suddenly, Christine comes racing into the room looking extremely pleased with herself.)  
  
Christine : "You guys have to see Erik! He looks so perfect! Erik! Come on out and let us see how you look!"  
  
Erik : "Absolutely not!"  
  
Christine : (Stamping foot) "Erik! Now!"  
  
Erik : "No! Not even if you promised to love me forever and drown the Vicomte in the lake yourself!"  
  
Christine : "I'm counting! Onnneee ..."  
  
Erik : "I can't heeearrr you! I can't heeaaarrr you! Lalalalalala!"  
  
Christine : "Twwwoooo ... TEN! That's it, buster, you're in a lotta trouble now!" (Goes into the next room) "You come out here right now or else!"  
  
Erik : "Or else what? What are you gonna do, huh?" (A brief pause) "No! Not that! Not the tickle spiders! AaagggghhhhhStophahahahawwwaaahahahahahahaokay! OKAY! I give uphahahahahaha! HeeheehehehehehhoohhooI'll go, I'll go! Just please, STOP!" (Silence. Christine enters, dusting her hands on her apron. She straightens her hat and then turns around and looks towards the next room.)  
  
Christine : "Erik?" (Erik shuffles in with his head down. The formerly - baggy suit is now stuffed with several pillows, some of which are sticking out at various areas. The parts of his face that aren't covered by the mask have been heavily rouged, and a rather fake - looking beard rests over his mouth and chin. Glasses and green mittens complete the look.)  
  
Everyone Except Christine : "BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
Erik : *Smoke coming out of his ears*  
  
Christine : (To everyone) "Now cut that out! I think he looks just darling!" *A knock at the door* "*Gasp!* It's the kids! Okay Erik, you sit there." (Points to the throne) "And everyone else : You know what to do!" (Leaves to welcome the guests) 


	2. Angels We Have Heard While High

Pere Noel  
  
Part 2  
  
Christine's Voice : (From somewhere outside the room) "Oh hel-LO! Merry Christmas! Yes, please do come in!"  
  
Erik : (muttering) "Here we go ..." (Christine enters with Mme Giry and Meg in tow.) "Wait a minute, what's all this?" (sighs) "I knew it. They're here to mock me, aren't they?" (Meg abandons her mother and leaps into Erik's lap.) "Ow ..."  
  
Meg : "Sandy Claus!"  
  
Erik : (In pain) "My kneecaps! I think she shattered my kneecaps!"  
  
Giry : "Go on, Meg. Tell Pere Noel what you want for Christmas." (Meg pulls out a long, long piece of paper and unrolls it, sending it cascading to the floor.)  
  
Meg : *ahem* "I want -"  
  
Erik : "Wait a minute. Meg Giry? You still believe in Santa Claus?"  
  
Meg : (Looking at him with round, innocent Bambi eyes.) "Why shouldn't I?"  
  
Erik : (Sighing) "Meg, you do know who I am, don't you?"  
  
Meg : *Tsk* "Well, of course I do. I know you're not the REAL Sandy Claus, if that's what you mean. You're just one of his special helpers who talks to the kids for him and tells him what they want , cause he's so busy up there at the North Pole and all." (She stares at him, matter-of-factly.)  
  
Erik : (Starts to protest, but then notices Mme Giry and Christine shaking their heads violently and making fervent slashing motions across their throats. He sighs.) "Right. Now then, what do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas?"  
  
Meg : (Looks back at her list) "Well, I want new pointe shoes cause that annoying Little Jammes stole mine, some perfume, a red scarf like Christine has so I can meet a handsome, young Nobleman when I "accidentally" loose it in the ocean, a fur muff, new boots, a pony, a riding outfit to wear when I ride the pony, some scented candles ..." (An hour later) "... an Easy - Bake Oven and bunny slippers." (She looks up from her list to see that Erik has fallen asleep) "You got all that? Sandy Claus?" (She pokes him) "Hey, dude, wake up!"  
  
Erik : (Startled) "Huh? Wha -? I mean, uh, ho ho ha!"  
  
Meg : "Don't you mean 'ho ho ho?'"  
  
Erik : "Yes, of course. I was just, um, testing you ..." *ahem*  
  
Meg : "Whatever." (Jumps down off his lap, rolls up the list, and hands it to him.) "Just don't use FedEx when you ship the stuff, huh? They charge too much." (He stares at her blankly) "So, don't I get a candy cane or something?"  
  
Erik : (Fumbling around in his pockets) "Uh, yes ... yes you do . Just give Santa a minute to (where the heck did she put those things ...?) find them ... Er, Mrs. Claus?"  
  
Christine : (To Mme Giry) "... and then he had the nerve to charge me full price for the bag even though his kid had just tossed his cookies all over my shoes! So I said -"  
  
Erik : "MRS. CLAUS!" (Christine jumps) "Where did you put the candy canes? Little Meg here wants a cavity for Christmas." (Meg smiles sarcastically at him as Christine reaches into a bag and pulls out a candy cane.)  
  
Meg : "Do you have any Wintergreen?"  
  
Erik : "No!" (He grins at her) "Happy holidays!"  
  
Meg : "C'mon Mom, let's go." (To Christine ) "Yeesh, Chris, where'd you dig this Santa up? What is he, like a Prozac 'Before' model or something?"  
  
Christine : "Heh, heh ... how sweet. Merry Christmas!" (They leave) "Geez, Erik, you coulda been a little more patient."  
  
Erik : "Yeah, well YOU coulda been a little more attentive. That girl had a list longer than the Olsen twins'! Didn't you see my subtle hints indicating that maybe you should have gotten her off my lap before I lost any more feeling in my legs? And where are my elves and reindeer?"  
  
Christine : (shrugs) "Beats me. They left for an Egg Nog break about 45 minutes ago. I guess they haven't come back yet." (Voices are heard again outside) "Yikes! More people!"  
  
Erik : "This is gonna be a long day ..." (Just then, Carlotta enters with two little kids following close behind.)  
  
Kids : "Did not! / Did too! / Did not! / Did too! / etc."  
  
Carlotta : "Will you two PLEASE put a lid on it?" (To Christine) "My sister's brats. Is this the line to see Santa?"  
  
Christine : "Yup. Who wants to go first?" (The kids instantly begin fighting again .)  
  
Carlotta : "QUIET!" (They freeze) "Thank you. Now, to spare me at least one migraine today, why don't you both go first?" (They look at each other, shrug, and race up to sit on Erik's lap.)  
  
Erik : *Oof*  
  
Little Girl : "Hey there, Santa! I'm Lucetta, and this here's my brother, Gianni."  
  
Gianni : (Wipes his nose with his hand and extends it to shake) "Put're there."  
  
Erik : "Charmed. Whattya kids want for Christmas?"  
  
Lucetta : "World peace."  
  
Gianni : "Uh-huh. And love."  
  
Erik : "Really? Dang, you kids are a lot easier than my last customer. Great, now get off my lap before you crush my spleen."  
  
Lucetta : "Not so fast. We also want brand new bikes -"  
  
Gianni : "- and a Playstation2 -"  
  
Lucetta : "-and a pony -"  
  
Gianni : "-for each of us -"  
  
Erik : "What IS it with you kids and ponies?"  
  
Gianni : "- and a trip to Disney World -"  
  
Erik : "Hold up a minute there, squirt. Let's not get greedy. What happened to world peace and love?"  
  
Gianni : "Greedy? Squirt!? Why I outta -" (Swears in Italian)  
  
Erik : (Swears back at him in Italian)  
  
Lucetta : (Shocked) "Geez, Santa, d'you kiss your mother with that mouth?"  
  
Erik : (Sadly) "I wish ..."  
  
Carlotta : "Okay! I think we've bothered Santa enough for one day. Let's go before he starts weeping."  
  
Erik : "Just take your candy canes and go." *sniffle* (Wipes a tear from his eye) "I'm taking a break. I gotta call my therapist, I think I'm regressing." (Jumps up from the throne and runs out of the room as Christine waves goodbye to Carlotta, Lucetta and Gianni. Just then, Piangi, Andre, Firmin, and Raoul all stumble in singing "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus")  
  
Christine : (Scolding) "There you guys are! I was beginning to get worried! Where have you been?"  
  
Piangi : "Upstairs." *hiccup*  
  
Raoul : (Slurring) "Yeah, we took the secret passageway into your dressing room and hid behind the mirror. Whenever a dancer came in, we totally freaked 'em out by telling 'em we were the Angel of Music!" (Laughs and tries to slap high fives with Andre, but misses and swipes the air instead, throwing him off balance.)  
  
Christine : "What did you guys do to him?"  
  
Firmin : "Nothin'. We just gave him a little egg nog ..."  
  
Andre : "Don't forget about the peppermint Schnapps."  
  
Piangi : "And the leftover champagne, and the imported beer, and -"  
  
Christine : (Cutting him off) "Whatever. Just get back to work, you've already missed three people! And no more laughing at Erik. Some kid said something about his mother and he got all misty-eyed. I think he's talking with his therapist now."  
  
Andre : "Sure thing." *snicker* (Erik enters, popping pills of several different varieties.)  
  
Erik : "Has anyone seen my Zoloft?" (Voices are again heard outside.)  
  
Christine : *Eeep* "Places, everyone! It sounds like a big crowd this time!" (Everybody assembles themselves as Mme Giry walks into the room.)  
  
Erik : "You again? Don't tell me you brought Veruca Salt back. There can't possibly be something that girl hasn't asked for."  
  
Giry : "Actually, Meg's lying down upstairs, she's had a terrible fright. Apparently when she went into Christine's dressing room, the mirror started talking and saying it was the Angel of Music." (Raoul, Piangi, Firmin, and Andre giggle) "I did, however, bring the rest of the ballet girls." (She turns around) "This way, ladies! Chop, chop!" (She bangs her cane on the floor. The girls instantly begin filing into the room, laughing, talking and throwing balls of the fake snow at each other.)  
  
Erik : "Nadir!" (The Persian shuffles out of the other room wearing reindeer slippers and a bathrobe. His eyes are all misty.)  
  
Persian : *sniff* "Yes?"  
  
Erik : "What's wrong with you?"  
  
Persian : *snirk* "Oh, nothing. Miracle on 34th Street is on, that's all." (Honks into handkerchief)  
  
Erik : "I see. Do you think you could pull yourself together long enough to find me some morphine?"  
  
Christine : "Absolutely not! You take way too much of that stuff as it is! It'll kill you one day if you're not careful. Now put your hat back on and look jolly."  
  
Erik : *Grumble* (Jammes approaches and sits daintily on his lap.) "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"  
  
Jammes : "You're not the REAL Santa Claus!"  
  
Erik : "Brilliant, Holmes. Now what do you want?"  
  
Jammes : "Ooh, what's this?" (Grabs the Persian's Christmas gift off a table ) "Cooool! A mistletoe headband!" (Puts it on her head and grins slyly) "Now where's that cute Vicomte?"  
  
Christine : "Say what!?" (Jammes jumps down and begins chasing Raoul, who's still a little tipsy from his recent rendez - vous with a bottle. As a result, he winds up tripping and falling over a lot.)  
  
Erik : *sigh* "Next!" (Laurette [another ballet girl] hops up onto Erik's lap and stares at him. He stares back. After a long pause, she speaks)  
  
Laurette : "Can I have a monkey?"  
  
Erik : "Finally! Someone with an imagination!" (Pats Laurette on the head) "Of course you can, little ... uh, little ... little help?"  
  
Laurette : "Laurette."  
  
Erik : "Right. Laurette. Sorry, Santa's getting old and, um, senile, so it's kind of hard for him to remember everyone's name."  
  
Laurette : "No prob. Same thing happened to Mme Giry."  
  
Giry : "Quiet, you!"  
  
Laurette : "Happy holidays!"  
  
Erik : "You too." (Just then, Meg runs in wearing gloves and a scarf with a pair of ice skates thrown over her shoulder.)  
  
Meg : "Hey guys! Check it out! The whole lake is frozen over! Who wants to go skating?"  
  
Raoul : "Ooh, I do! I do!" (Turns around and races towards the door, running over Jammes in the process. Everyone else except Christine and Erik follow him)  
  
Christine : (After a pause) "Well, uh, take 5 I guess, Erik ..."  
  
Erik : "Sure." (Christine pulls a present out of the Santa bag and starts inching towards the door) "What's that?"  
  
Christine : "Oh, this? Er, nothing ... Just something I was thinking of giving, um, Raoul ..."  
  
Erik : (Squinting at the package) "I didn't know Raoul spelled his name E-R- I-K."  
  
Christine : (Sigh) "Okay, I was going to give it to you, but ... I sorta ... changed my mind ..."  
  
Erik : "Why? What is it?" (She hesitates. He then reaches out and grabs it with the Punjab lasso in less than 3 seconds)  
  
Christine : "What the -?"  
  
Erik : "Heh heh ..." (Unwraps it to reveal a mistletoe headband identical to the Persian's. He begins to laugh.)  
  
Christine : (Stamps foot) "Well, how was I supposed to know Raoul would buy the same thing for that little Persian friend of your's?"  
  
Erik : "No, no, it's really the thought that counts, Christine. Nobody's ever given me a Christmas present before. Thank you."  
  
Christine : (Smiles) "You're welcome." (She turns to go)  
  
Erik : "Wait!" (He puts on the headband and grins shyly) "Just once? For tradition?"  
  
Christine : "Oh, alright." (She walks up to him and gives him a peck on the cheek) "Merry Christmas, Erik."  
  
Erik : (Sighs) "What a holiday!"  
  
Fa la la la la la la la la! May your season be filled with cheer! Warmest wishes,  
  
LaLuna @------ 


End file.
